Not getting what you really want.....

So we didn't get the house. We were third out of four bids. But I'm okay with it. Let me tell you the story.

Bob and I toured the property and yes, it needs cleaning up and updates/renovation. But it was the ONE. We just knew it. So we put in our bid, and since it took us by surprise and we weren't prepared to buy a house yet, we put in an all-cash offer (to be reimbursed with financing when we got it all together, so don't start making giant assumptions here ;)) We thought it would give us a little edge/advantage, too.

We felt pretty strongly about the number we agreed to. Our max was the same for both of us - don't go over $x amount, even if it comes back as "multiple bids, put in your highest and best." And we tied it to my favorite Bible verse - Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Our number included "2911" in it. Not for bribery/kissing up to God purposes, but to remind us about the verse every time we thought about the house/our offer or felt tempted to change it.

So we felt good about our number - not good enough to win it, but good enough to be at peace with it.

And then it hit me. I just KNEW we weren't going to get the house. And I fell into a deep (2 hour) depression. I couldn't let myself wallow too long - what a miserable place to be! So I felt myself sink into a hole. It felt empty, dark, lifeless. I was drawn down, hunched over and my back was a wreck of knots. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. And I did. I told God how angry I was. How unfair it was that He dangled this in front of me only to take it away. Why would He do this, and do it this way? I always try to figure out the purpose of or "benefit" of suffering because I don't like to go through the same bad thing over and over again! And it gives me hope, too. Hope that there is a purpose for whatever it is. Makes it easier to wade through.

After the anger and tears.... I realized.... God had revealed my heart to me. Houses are my idol. I did manage to pull away a bit from this one right before we put the bid in (after a week or so of full-time obsession).... but it was in there pretty deep. I needed to be comforted after that crap I just went through and needed to change my focus to God's plan for me and God's will and "set my minds on things above, not on earthly things." I jumped into God's lap. It's like I was instantly back in that awesome sweet relationship with Him. God pulled back the curtain and wrenched my idol out of my heart. Oh, it hurt. But it was short. And I realized that God could have done it another way. He could have used tragedy to get me to draw near to Him. THANK YOU GOD, FOR NOT DOING IT THAT WAY. For using a dumb, stupid thing like a HOUSE to bring me back to You.

And you know what? I've prayed about the house. But I can't bring myself to ask Him for it. Because what if I'm asking for something that's not good for me or my family or in God's plan for us? I want what God wants for us. So I've prayed for God to give us what He wants for us, and to help me to accept it. And when you are relying on the intelligence and plan of the most powerful and all-knowing thing in the universe.... you're in pretty good hands. So it's really not that hard to accept it.

God can make this happen - I'm excited to see what He has in store, and how He's going to reproduce all the good things/our wish list items that that house had. If it's this house, then somehow the other two offers will fall through. Or He will provide something even better. Like this rental house we're living in (see July 2014 story ;))

Is this really happening??

We will be visiting "the house" tomorrow. I was so shell shocked when I saw the price drop again. I knew we had to do something. And even slow-moving-Bob thinks we should look into it now. I was like a zombie and in need of a lot of hugs from Bob for several hours after the "wait six months" plan suddenly changed. Stress. Panic. Sick to my stomach. Dread. WHY?? Here's my attempt at psychoanalysis:

1) Number One. The plan changed. As easy as that.

2) My carefree living in the rental house might be over, replaced by planning and approvals and architects, etc. Fun, but I'm not ready!

3) I don't deserve it.

I've been QUESTIONING
I've been thinking some pretty deep (for me) questioning spiritual thoughts... (not in a rebellious way, more in a trying-to understand way):

-You died for us, and "all" you ask us for is our lives.... isn't that A LOT? It's all we have! I want to understand how that's a fair payment (besides heaven, I get that). And I know Your plan is best and life in You is so peaceful - I've been there. But it's hard to give it up every single day. I go for a few months and then.... BAM. I want to be in charge again. I don't want it to be so hard to give it all over to You!

-Why did You even create us if You knew we'd mess up and You'd have to die for us. Are you that lonely? Aren't Jesus/H.S. and the angels good enough company for You?

I've been DISOBEDIENT
-I've been struggling with obeying God. I don't want to have Him in control - what if I WANT to obsess on houses/decorating? I don't WANT to be a sacrificial wife..... what if myhusband stomps all over me? I'm not just going to TAKE it?

-I have asked Him to help me obey, maybe even to help me WANT to obey; I know I can't do it myself. But I haven't wanted it bad enough to just toss it all up to Him. I feel like I want/need some understanding/motivation/aha moment. And I just keep on disobeying/choosing my own path

I've been WORSHIPPING AN IDOL
-Ever since I had that "feeling" about the house, I've been going crazy (for about a week) obsessing over it. Thinking about it. Rearranging the layout in my head as I go to sleep, as I drive, any time I have down time, sometimes when my kids are talking to me. I've been spending time with my computer and my dreams/hopes rather than the real life I have: the house to clean, the kids to interact with.... I've been so ENTRENCHED in this obsession. Finally today I purposed to pull myself away from it, to think about other things. To apologize to God for thinking about it so much (as I quietly ask for "just 5 more minutes" to think about it today....)

I was doing better... and then the price dropped again. Not that we have the house. We haven't even seen if it has problems yet. But it can't be time now, God, it can't! I'm not ready! I've been so bad! I don't deserve for You to give me this thing that I want and DREAM of, especially if I've chosen it over You time and time again! I have failed!! I need to prove to You that I will obey You before I get a reward!

No! No! No! Why are You being so good to me?? You CAN'T be that good to me! Don't give it to me! I haven't earned it!

STOP!!! DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!! I AM UNWORTHY!!!

........

OH.
........

Grace.          

..........
I don't deserve it.

Huh??!! (#1 - #3)

WOW I am a jumble of emotions right now. More like a ball of stress. I don't like it when plans change!! Although this one might be a good one.

First of all, NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. I know some of you were thinking that.

So Bob and I have settled in nicely to our rental house, and decided that we like this easy living and would like to rent for another year (June '15-16). We sent a nice letter to the Landlord and he agreed. Bob talked about starting to look at houses in six months. I was like "Wow! That's right around the corner!" Feels like it to a Planner. That's not enough time for me to.... plan something!!

Soooooooooooo. I've been calmly keeping my eye on the real estate market. Bob asks me every once in a while if there's anything new/good. And there really hasn't been much. Last week I had a little time and found two new properties that looked interesting. So I drove by, and timed the distance from the schools. Bob very wisely pointed out that we will be driving back and forth a lot (as will our kids) when they get to high school, so we should consider how far/safe the drive will be for our future teenagers. So that started to become a big consideration.

HOUSE #1 - "Price Mill"

a sweet looking old fashioned home (built in the early 1900s!) So charming on the outside and surprisingly maintained/updated on the inside. Yes, the rooms are probably 3x3 since the houses were so choppy back then, but the price was low enough that we would be able to work around it. There was an option of 5-20 acres coming with the house. It was in a very pretty, rural part of the county, but it was pretty far out there and the land was kind of flat and uninteresting. Plus the road it's on didn't seem private/quiet enough for us. Distance to schools: 5 minutes to the elementary school that's ranked (to me) #3 out of the 5 schools. The high school was 12-15 minutes and the middle school 15.

HOUSE #2 - "Griffith"

is not listed on the main real estate websites. 65 acres and comes with a 5 acre pond and a 3500 sf house. The house is in great shape, the land is pretty. The pond is a little closer to the house than I'd want but the view from the front is pasture and from the back is lake/vacation house. Seems like a nice setting. Too bad it's 50% higher than our budget. Oh, and the acreage has been approved to be subdivided into 45 lots in case someone doesn't want to buy the whole shebang (SAVE THE LAND!) 5 minutes to all of the schools. NICE. And it's in a neighborhood so you have the best of both worlds (private yet accessible). It's a beautiful setting and I was trying to figure out a way to make it work financially (sell-off some of the land, only buy part of it..??), and then I was also still unsure about the pond (SNAKES! Bugs! too close to the house!)  Still keeping this house/property as a dream in the back of my mind, I drove to another one that had been on the market for a few months and had a pretty big price drop a few weeks ago...

HOUSE #3 - "Evans"

is a foreclosure. It seems to be in good shape (but in need of updates) inside, but there are some weird layout and decorating things going on there. So I decided to drive by and take a look. So as I started driving on the DIRT road, passing beautiful pasture land on the left and right... it took my breath away. Just the street itself. I drove onto the property (it's empty) and noticed that it looks a little rough on the outside but nothing that cutting down and clearing-out some trees can't take care of.... It doesn't look like the most well-built home, but it's 11 acres, has several fenced pastures, a barn (or two), a guest house.... and the price is right. I drove away excited. I just had this FEELING. I drove Bob by House #2 and #3 and he didn't have much to say. But when I asked him what he thought, he said he really liked #3. But it might have to be a total tear down. I disagreed (I had already started my computerized floorplan-renovation plan on the house). And did I mention that it's 2 minutes from the H.S. and 5 minutes from the other schools, AND our kids would get to stay in my #1 favorite (out of the 5) school?

So we decided to wait until July.... if anything, the price would drop and it would be even better for us. It would be hard (for me) to wait that long, but good for me to build that trust in God and keep casting the house/worry about someone else snatching it up back up to him).....

UNTIL


ANOTHER PRICE DROP!! $75K total price drops in 1 month. Yes, there might be something wrong with this house - thus the drops. But now Bob and I feel moved to do something (at least check it out). And yes. I'm stressed. Before I even see it. Because Right Now is NOT six months from now!! What happened to the PLAN?!?!