Bob and I toured the property and yes, it needs cleaning up and updates/renovation. But it was the ONE. We just knew it. So we put in our bid, and since it took us by surprise and we weren't prepared to buy a house yet, we put in an all-cash offer (to be reimbursed with financing when we got it all together, so don't start making giant assumptions here ;)) We thought it would give us a little edge/advantage, too.
We felt pretty strongly about the number we agreed to. Our max was the same for both of us - don't go over $x amount, even if it comes back as "multiple bids, put in your highest and best." And we tied it to my favorite Bible verse - Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declared the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Our number included "2911" in it. Not for bribery/kissing up to God purposes, but to remind us about the verse every time we thought about the house/our offer or felt tempted to change it.
So we felt good about our number - not good enough to win it, but good enough to be at peace with it.
And then it hit me. I just KNEW we weren't going to get the house. And I fell into a deep (2 hour) depression. I couldn't let myself wallow too long - what a miserable place to be! So I felt myself sink into a hole. It felt empty, dark, lifeless. I was drawn down, hunched over and my back was a wreck of knots. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. And I did. I told God how angry I was. How unfair it was that He dangled this in front of me only to take it away. Why would He do this, and do it this way? I always try to figure out the purpose of or "benefit" of suffering because I don't like to go through the same bad thing over and over again! And it gives me hope, too. Hope that there is a purpose for whatever it is. Makes it easier to wade through.
After the anger and tears.... I realized.... God had revealed my heart to me. Houses are my idol. I did manage to pull away a bit from this one right before we put the bid in (after a week or so of full-time obsession).... but it was in there pretty deep. I needed to be comforted after that crap I just went through and needed to change my focus to God's plan for me and God's will and "set my minds on things above, not on earthly things." I jumped into God's lap. It's like I was instantly back in that awesome sweet relationship with Him. God pulled back the curtain and wrenched my idol out of my heart. Oh, it hurt. But it was short. And I realized that God could have done it another way. He could have used tragedy to get me to draw near to Him. THANK YOU GOD, FOR NOT DOING IT THAT WAY. For using a dumb, stupid thing like a HOUSE to bring me back to You.
And you know what? I've prayed about the house. But I can't bring myself to ask Him for it. Because what if I'm asking for something that's not good for me or my family or in God's plan for us? I want what God wants for us. So I've prayed for God to give us what He wants for us, and to help me to accept it. And when you are relying on the intelligence and plan of the most powerful and all-knowing thing in the universe.... you're in pretty good hands. So it's really not that hard to accept it.
God can make this happen - I'm excited to see what He has in store, and how He's going to reproduce all the good things/our wish list items that that house had. If it's this house, then somehow the other two offers will fall through. Or He will provide something even better. Like this rental house we're living in (see July 2014 story ;))
No comments:
Post a Comment