Is this really happening??

We will be visiting "the house" tomorrow. I was so shell shocked when I saw the price drop again. I knew we had to do something. And even slow-moving-Bob thinks we should look into it now. I was like a zombie and in need of a lot of hugs from Bob for several hours after the "wait six months" plan suddenly changed. Stress. Panic. Sick to my stomach. Dread. WHY?? Here's my attempt at psychoanalysis:

1) Number One. The plan changed. As easy as that.

2) My carefree living in the rental house might be over, replaced by planning and approvals and architects, etc. Fun, but I'm not ready!

3) I don't deserve it.

I've been QUESTIONING
I've been thinking some pretty deep (for me) questioning spiritual thoughts... (not in a rebellious way, more in a trying-to understand way):

-You died for us, and "all" you ask us for is our lives.... isn't that A LOT? It's all we have! I want to understand how that's a fair payment (besides heaven, I get that). And I know Your plan is best and life in You is so peaceful - I've been there. But it's hard to give it up every single day. I go for a few months and then.... BAM. I want to be in charge again. I don't want it to be so hard to give it all over to You!

-Why did You even create us if You knew we'd mess up and You'd have to die for us. Are you that lonely? Aren't Jesus/H.S. and the angels good enough company for You?

I've been DISOBEDIENT
-I've been struggling with obeying God. I don't want to have Him in control - what if I WANT to obsess on houses/decorating? I don't WANT to be a sacrificial wife..... what if myhusband stomps all over me? I'm not just going to TAKE it?

-I have asked Him to help me obey, maybe even to help me WANT to obey; I know I can't do it myself. But I haven't wanted it bad enough to just toss it all up to Him. I feel like I want/need some understanding/motivation/aha moment. And I just keep on disobeying/choosing my own path

I've been WORSHIPPING AN IDOL
-Ever since I had that "feeling" about the house, I've been going crazy (for about a week) obsessing over it. Thinking about it. Rearranging the layout in my head as I go to sleep, as I drive, any time I have down time, sometimes when my kids are talking to me. I've been spending time with my computer and my dreams/hopes rather than the real life I have: the house to clean, the kids to interact with.... I've been so ENTRENCHED in this obsession. Finally today I purposed to pull myself away from it, to think about other things. To apologize to God for thinking about it so much (as I quietly ask for "just 5 more minutes" to think about it today....)

I was doing better... and then the price dropped again. Not that we have the house. We haven't even seen if it has problems yet. But it can't be time now, God, it can't! I'm not ready! I've been so bad! I don't deserve for You to give me this thing that I want and DREAM of, especially if I've chosen it over You time and time again! I have failed!! I need to prove to You that I will obey You before I get a reward!

No! No! No! Why are You being so good to me?? You CAN'T be that good to me! Don't give it to me! I haven't earned it!

STOP!!! DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!! I AM UNWORTHY!!!

........

OH.
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Grace.          

..........
I don't deserve it.